I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
