ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
