This girl is more easily done than said...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
