Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
