My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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