I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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