We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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