Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
