Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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