Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Panties = found
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
