I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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