Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
