How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
