I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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