Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
