i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
