i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
