need another drink. this is the easiest way
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
