I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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