I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
