Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
