Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I could make wine with my vomit
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
