I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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