the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
