Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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