I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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