I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
