So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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