The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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