Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
