The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
