Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
