We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
