I'm lost and stupid without you.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
