...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
