i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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