I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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