it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
