Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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