remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
