the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
