my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
