just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
