I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
