sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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