Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize