Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
