need another drink. this is the easiest way
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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