she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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