you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
