I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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