if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
