He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
