hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
