At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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