i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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