The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
