Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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