My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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