My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
