highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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