got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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