You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
