I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
