Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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